Tuesday, July 03, 2007

stuck for a rhyme

I've got something going I like, but I'm stuck for a rhyme. I've come up with several clever rhymes, but there too clever. Self-consciously clever. I need an organic fit.

Lift your hands to build a wall of thorn and bone
Rise up
Line your stomach with iron, sharpen your teeth on stone
Rise up
Bathe your tongue in acid, cover your eyes with chrome
Rise up
Set your hair on fire, ----blank----
Rise up
Rise up

"Foam" almost works. Like the other rhyming words, its a substance. But if you ask which of these things doesn't belong: bone, stone, chrome, foam, its an easy choice.
I think it also has to be one syllable. I thought about cyclone, but it didn't sound right, and I decided its because its 2 syllables. Blows the rhythm.


Susan said...

I have been thinking about this and
i think that this last phrase should summarize or finalize the actions previously taken, rather than being yet another action. Since I don't know where you are going with it - it is hard to say what but something with alone perhaps? Forge the trail alone - that is awful but I am just giving you a sense of what I mean.
I was also thinking of the word drone which could be heard in a battle and using it in some way.

Josh Gentry said...

I see what you mean, Susan, it is a special phrase in the verse, because of its placement. There is weight on it to finalize, to anchor the verse.

Drone is a good word.

Josh Gentry said...

I'm considering:

..., make a whirlwind your thron

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